Relationships can be great and complicated at the best of times. However, when someone is diagnosed with a serious illness such as lymphoma, the best and worst aspects of any relationship can be magnified.
This page will provide some tips on how to maintain relationships with the people you care about when you, or someone you love is diagnosed with lymphoma.Â
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What to expect
Many people notice changes in their friendships and family dynamics when living with cancer. Some people find that those closest to them become more distant, while others they have not been close with, come closer.
Unfortunately, many people haven’t been taught how to talk about illness and other difficult things. When people back away, it is often because they don’t know what to say, or are scared anything they do say, will upset you or make things worse.
Some may worry about sharing their own good or bad news, or feelings with you. They may not want to burden you while you are unwell. Or they may even feel guilty when things go well for them when you have so much going on.
Humour and sarcasm
Some people use humour and sarcasm as a way of dealing with situations they are uncomfortable with. Others use it to try and bring a smile to your face. However, humour and sarcasm is very unique and received differently at different times and with different people.
Some people may find humour and sarcasm funny, witty and even a welcome relief from the seriousness of their disease or situation. Others may find it embarrassing or offensive, making them feel more alone than ever.
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Try to remember that most people do not want to hurt your feelings or embarrass you. Try to remember how this person usually responds in situations they are not comfortable in, or how they usually use humour or sarcasm with you. This can help you understand where they are coming from.
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Open communication
Let them know if you are not in the mood for humour or sarcasm and then let them know what you do need. Most people would be horrified to learn they have hurt you or made you feel uncomfortable. You can say things like:
- The medication I’m on at the moment is playing havoc with my sense of humour, can we lay off the humour and sarcasm for now?
- I’m way too tired to see the funny side of this at the moment.Â
- I know it’s difficult, but can we talk seriously about this for a while?
- Practical help would help me so much more than sarcasm at the moment. Can you help with (shopping, making a meal, picking up kids, helping at work etc.).
- Can you explain what you mean by that please?
Losing touch
Many people have mentioned to us that when they have lymphoma, or are caring for someone with lymphoma, they lose friends and family. Some reasons this happens are listed below.
* your priorities have changed.
* you don't have the energy or time to do the things you usually do with them.
* people are afraid of what is happening in your life, and are struggling themselves.
* they may have never known anyone with cancer before and don't know what you need.
* they've lost someone to cancer or seen them struggle and are afraid of going through that again.
* others don't know what to say or do, so they avoid uncomfortable situations.
* friends and family worry about saying the wrong thing or making things worse.
* people don't want to burden you with their news or problems.
* they don't realise their absence is affecting you.
* they believe you will reach out if you need something or want to catch up.
* their friendship doesn't extend past the workplace, sport or activity you usually do together.
* People get busy and have their own problems, so may not have the energy to keep in touch.
It doesn’t mean they don’t care
When you consider some of the above, it may be easier to realise that people may not be staying away because they don’t care; But rather, they are staying away because they do care. It may be up to you to reach out and let them know that you still need them in your life and work out a way, with them to make this happen.
See the section below on Tips to maintain these relationships.
Reevaluate your relationships
It may help to reevaluate your relationships with people. You may see that you were more invested in the relationship than they were. This may help you let go of some people or accept them as an “optional extra” in your life rather than a main character. Letting go or changing your expectations of these relationships can free up your mind, energy and time for those who truly want to be there for you.
Some people come closer
While we’ve had many people say they have lost people when faced with lymphoma, we’ve also had people say some of their relationships have gotten stronger. Some even say the most unexpected people in their life have become their greatest support person and friend. Cherish these and focus your energy on these relationships. Keep them close and:
- Accept all offers of help – if the offer isn’t quite what you need, ask for what you do need when an offer comes in.
- Don’t apologise for needing help but show gratitude when you get it.
- Keep a diary of appointments, side effects and when you have the most energy. You may find the week before treatment may be your best time. Arrange to see people during times when you have energy.
- Let them know if you need time to yourself and make an effort to contact them when you feel better.
Friendliness versus Friendship
Understanding the role people have in our lives is important for setting realistic expectations and healthy boundaries. Many people are disappointed when they are let down by their friends. But, when you examine the relationship, you may find that although friendly with each other you may never have developed a friendship.
Friendliness is about how we interact with people and can be part of our personality. Friendship however, is about a relationship. True friendship would extend outside of the workplace, church or place of common interest. Understanding the difference can help you build realistic expectations and healthy boundaries with the people in your life.
Professional boundaries
For example, your doctors, nurses and other health professionals should always be friendly with you, but they are not your friends. There is a professional boundary where they are involved in your care, but do not (and legally cannot) be involved in your daily life, social media or other aspects of your personal life. You are their patient or client and they are your doctor, nurse or other health provider.
Similarly, you may have friendly interactions with people at work that are confined to work. But if these interactions with those same people do not extend to a relationship outside of work or work-related events, then you have friendly interactions with colleagues or associates rather than a true friendship.
No matter how friendly your interactions are with a colleague or associate, they may not be there for you when you take time off work.Â
Tips to maintain relationships with friends & family
You can help your friends and family understand that is ok to talk about your (or your loved ones) lymphoma or treatment if they want. Or even talk about what is happening in their life. If you are comfortable talking about your lymphoma and treatments, ask questions like:
- What would you like to know about my (or my loved ones) lymphoma?
- What questions do you have about the treatment and side-effects?
- How much do you want to know?
- Things are going to be different for me for a while, how can we stay in touch?
- I might need some help over the next few months with things like cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and lifts to my appointments. What can you help with?
- I still want to know what is happening with you – Tell me the good the bad and the ugly – And everything in between!
- I don’t want to talk about my lymphoma but ask me about (whatever you would like to talk about).
- Know any good jokes? I need a laugh.
- Can you just sit here with me while I cry, or think or rest?
- If you have the energy, you could ask them – What do you need from me?
Let people know if it is ok to visit
Your lymphoma and its treatments can lower your immune system. It is important to let people know that it may not always be safe to visit, but that when they do they can still hug you. If you don’t feel like visitors, let people know how you would prefer to stay in touch, or ask them for suggestions.
- Let them know to stay away if they are sick. Consider other ways to stay in touch.
- If you are comfortable hugging people and they are well, let them know you need a hug.
- Watch a movie together – but in your own homes on a zoom, video or phone call.
- Open up a group chat on one of the many messaging or video services available.
- Start a roster for when visiting is welcome and what you need done. Check our Practical things page under planning for treatment. You will find some useful apps that can help your friends and family roster help for you.
And finally, if you notice the relationship is changing, talk about it. Let people know they still matter, and you still want to maintain the closeness you had before.Â
Other Resources
Maintaining relationships can be complicated and exhausting even at the best times. But when you have cancer, or are supporting someone with cancer it can become even trickier. Yet the effort pays off because having good relationships always makes life more fulfilling.Â
There is support available to help you learn new skills to develop or enhance strong healthy relationships. See the link below for more information on support available in your state.
Relationships at work
Professional relationships can be both professional and friendly, even when you are not friends with your colleagues. Many people have been disappointed when they do not hear from work mates when they leave work to have treatment. Or struggle with how people interact with them when they return to work.
Understanding that your work mates may in fact be your friendly colleague rather than friend can help you avoid unrealistic expectations from the people at work, ultimately avoiding disappointment and hurt.
Right to confidentiality
You also have a right to confidentiality, and this may be difficult for well-meaning colleagues to accept. They may feel they want more information about what is happening with you. However, you have a right to confidentiality and do not need to share anything you’re not comfortable sharing, no matter how friendly your interactions have been in the past.
However, you may find that sharing information may help others support you better in the workplace. It may even lead to a friendship if people have the capacity and willingness to support you outside of work.
Let people know what you need
Setting boundaries and letting people know what you need at work can help you and them feel more confident about how you can keep a friendly and respectful work environment.
If you’re having difficulty with this, and you have a manager or Human Resources (HR) department at work, make time to meet with them. They can help find solutions, and see what support they can offer to help you manage at work, and maintain your professional relationships.
Summary
- Cancer changes everything, including your relationships with friends, family and colleagues.
- Most people want to help, but many don’t know how.
- Let people know what you need.
- Many people use humour or sarcasm to hide their discomfort, others hope to make you laugh. If you are not enjoying it, acknowledge it and let them know how you would prefer to communicate.
- Now is a good time to reevaluate the relationships in your life.Â
- Friendliness is about how we interact with others. This is different to friendship, which is a relationship.
- Understanding the type of relationship you have with different people can help set realistic expectations, build healthy boundaries and avoid disappointment.
- There is support available to help you maintain your important and close or intimate relationships.
